Saturday, June 30, 2007

Essential Equipment

. . . for the 10. . . make that 11. . . make that. . .

Oh, heck, who's counting those new bishops for the North America alphabet soup networks anyway?

Here's a short shopping list for the newly elected missionary bishops in these dark, hostile, heretical parts:


Mileage Plus Card

Every good bishop has one, as airports can be a favorite haunt. Just don't count on racking up miles flying to Lambeth next year. Rumor has it that the tailwinds over the Atlantic have turned to mighty powerful headwinds due to Global Warming and a gay bishop or two.

Plastic is also a great guarantee against handling the money of the unfaithful.

And don't forget your neck pillow.



Telescoping, SuperStrong™ Fiberglass Crosier (spares recommended)

Better get this one custom-made, guys. Long journeys make traveling light a necessity, and the smaller it collapses, the better.

Plated with the gold plundered from heretics, of course.

Ask for extra strong fiberglass in case you need it to discipline unruly clergy or the occasional disagreeable civil court judge.

And if all the clergy in your jurisdiction have been made bishops, well, get it extra EXTRA strong.

Telescoping design offers added reach for far-flung parishes or deep court room benches.

Fencing lessons wouldn't hurt now and again, either.


Verger-Chaplain-Bodyguard

Armed, well-versed in orthodoxy, able to iron copes in a single sweep, these super-versatile companions and protectors are essential for traveling the hinterlands of hereticdom.

One may be currently seeking employment, since he has not posted on his blog recently. But be careful trying to seek out his true identity. Gnostics are everywhere these days.

Oh, and remember: First come, first served.


iPhone


Yep. The ideal, chic, in vogue communication tool, complete with conference calling capability, mp3 player, text messaging, wireless internet, and your instant link to Google maps. Perfect for traveling the long distances and navigating the strange neighborhoods of a non-geographical jurisdiction.

Some say they are even theologically correct.

Listen to the latest podcasts of your favorite Archbishop during your long journeys as a bonus, and catch those nasty heretics in the act every time using the 2 megapixel camera.

And the on-screen keyboard means you can type the full name of your missionary network without risking tendinitis.

Word to the wise: Wear your purple shirt so you can cut in line to get one of these beauties.

As an alternative (Relax, guys, I don't mean lifestyle!): an orthodox episcopal blessing for Mr. Jobs might also speed up delivery direct from the warehouse.


Bishop(s) Suffragen

A suffering. . . er, suffragen Bishop or two to hold down the home front, office, parish, day job -- whatever -- while you're traveling abroad.

Limited only to your affectionate Primate's imagination, of course.

It's said that you can find eager candidates in Panama, but you didn't hear it from me.

Disclaimers:

The author received no compensation nor encouragement whatsoever from United Airlines, Apple, Steve Jobs, Brother Causticus, Bishops Unnamed Ruling in Panama (BURP), Global South Primates, Crosiers Unlimited™, or the Institute for Religion and Democracy for this post.

In lieu of compensation, free will donations may be sent to the RLOEAPCPEFCCAAAEGYRWIGSGNAGCSWEYGG or The True, Really, I Mean It, Church™.

Apologies in advance to the MadPriest, because I thought of this one first.


19 comments:

KJ said...

Seein that the iPhone is a "new thing", I rather suspect it would not be determined to be theologically correct.

R said...

Well, the cross-jurisdictional bishop/consecration/network is kind of a new-fangled thang, too, so -- you never know!

Tobias said...

Don't forget the All Purpose Drip Dry Permanent Press Cope and Travel Vest Combo, with a dozen hidden pockets with Silent Velcro closures. So convenient for sermon texts, airline tickets, and envelopes with honoraria --- and the Silent Velcro means no embarrassing ripping sounds from the sacristy.

Marshall said...

The requires resort to the author Umberto Eco, who has commented on the theologies of operating systems:

.."Insufficient consideration has been given to the new underground religious war which is modifying the modern world. It's an old idea of mine, but I find that whenever I tell people about it they immediately agree with me.

"The fact is that the world is divided between users of the Macintosh computer and users of MS-DOS compatible computers. I am firmly of the opinion that the Macintosh is Catholic and that DOS is Protestant. Indeed, the Macintosh is counter-reformist and has been influenced by the 'ratio studiorum' of the Jesuits. It is cheerful, friendly, conciliatory, it tells the faithful how they must proceed step by step to reach--if not the Kingdom of Heaven-- the moment in which their document is printed. It is catechistic: the essence of revelation is dealt with via simple formulae and sumptuous icons. Everyone has a right to salvation.

"DOS is Protestant, or even Calvinistic. It allows free interpretation of scripture, demands difficult personal decisions, imposes a subtle hermeneutics upon the user, and takes for granted the idea that not all can reach salvation. To make the system
work you need to interpret the program yourself: a long way from the baroque community of revelers, the user is closed within the loneliness of his own inner torment.

"You may object that, with the passage to Windows, the DOS universe has come to resemble more closely the counter-reformist tolerance of the Macintosh. It's true: Windows represents an Anglican-style schism, big ceremonies in the cathedral, but there is always the possibility of a return to DOS to change things in accordance with bizarre decisions; when it comes down to it, you can decide to allow women and gays to be priests if you want to.
..

"And machine code, which lies beneath both systems (or environments, if you prefer)? Ah, that is to do with the Old Testament, and is talmudic and cabalistic..."

From the Italian news weekly "Espresso," September 30, 1994 (found at http://www.columbia.edu/~sss31/rainbow/mac-pc.html).

Based on this, the iPhone may be much easier for, say, APA bishops than for those from CANA. On the other hand, to bring together CANA, AMiA, and other African with FIFNA and APA, the Evangelicals may make the concession.

Grandmère Mimi said...

Hilarious, Richard. How do I love this post? Let me count the ways.

The telescoping crosier is excellent. I like BURP, also. I did not know that the purple (I AM A BISHOP) shirt served for cutting the line.

A certain someone will be consumed with jealously over this post.

You wouldn't be Brother Causticus now, would you, Richard?

R said...

Mimi,

Ha! I wish. Were that I had his talent for ecclesiastical humor combined with a tongue-tying wit scathing with equanimity.

Frankly, I worried a bit when I put that part together that some would reach the supposition you posit.

But, no, I am most certainly not Brother Causticus. His identity appears much more elusive than mine, which, as you can see (sigh), is far too egotistical for the world not to recognize.

His remains clouded in the hood of mystery. . .

Paul said...

Richard,
You brought great delight my way when I came to this post in my daily visit to your site. Thanks for the whimsy, something we need in great quantities these days.
Your sometime colleague now living in the wilds of Albuquerque,
Paul Strid

R said...

Paul,

And you brought me great delight with your visit! Love to you and many prayers headed Albuquerque way. . .

KJ said...

All I know, Marshall, is that my Mac computer is completely gay in the very finest sense of the word. :-)

marcus of borg said...

Don't forget the red Prada shoes, to provide a subliminal boost toward the acceptance of an Anglican covenant.

Anonymous said...

"You wouldn't be Brother Causticus now, would you, Richard?" Grandmère Mimi

1) That's what I think too.

2) Make that Prada BOOTS (extra secret compartments in the heels for the heels)...all the better for "preaching down" to others (and/if one could use a little extra height/visiability while appearing to be less lofty/strident).

One bottle of liquid Lemon Concentrate (to "swig" and keep a grim straight face when telling bold faced lies).

A compact "Twister" game to workout with in Motel Rooms/Hotel Suites (depending on the economic background of the feardriven and deceived groupies) to maintain flexiability when cornered...also "just in case" reality appears before THEM (fat chance without electroshock treatments or ten years in prison...whichever comes first).

Mirrors. Lots of mirrors. The kind of extra expensive/special lit mirrors that are "flattering" to body and soul.

No close-ups please (of anything/anyone).

Leonardo Ricardo

Anonymous said...

I love it, Richard!

Our wandering Bishops might want to carry antiseptic hand wipes for use after shaking hands with anyone who might be GLBT ... because these days you never know...

And we can't forget how traumatic it was for Big Pete!

fs

Grandmère Mimi said...

You could throw in an ermine-trimmed, red Santa hat and a red, ermine-trimmed cape to match the red Prada shoes.

But would that clash with the purple?

Anonymous said...

With many, many apologies to Jenny Joseph (and to answer Grandmere Mimi's question)

When I am an Old Bishop, I shall wear purple.
And Red Boots that do not go and do not suit me
And I shall spend my donations on brandy and summer trips
and satin slippers, and say we've no money for children.
I shall sit down on the episcopa when I am tired
and gobble up parishes in other countries and be alarmist
And run my crozier along the stolen parishes
and make up stories about the morality of others
I shall go out in my mitre in the rain
and pick the parishes in other people's dioceses
and learn to blame it on gays

You can wear purple shirts and grow more fat
and eat three pounds of legal briefs at a go
or only bread and wine for a week
and hoard parishioners and chasubles
and things in boxes

But now we must have clothes that keep us separate
and make someone else pay our rent and not swear in the parish hall
and set a good example for the misguided.
We will have only those like us to dinner and serve the others papers
But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who did not know of me are shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple shirts

Padre Wayne said...

Richard, what a marvelous way to re-enter blogland after an even more marvelous CREDO week. (Episcopal clergy: Do NOT neglect to respond YES when invited!) I have often reflected on the huuuuuge number of miles the boyz are racking up, and I sure hope they're keeping track of "partner" miles (not to be confused with any other sort of partnership, to be sure...).
Blessings, and thanks for the laughs.

Grandmère Mimi said...

Anonymous, are you truly a bishop? That would make my day, be a breath of fresh air, float my boat, thrill me, chill me, and whatever other clichés come to anyone's mind.

I believe that Jenny would like your parody quite a lot.

Marshall said...

Well, KJ, my Mac seems to love both my wife and I equally, and we wouldn't have it any other way. We do, however, carefully monitor its interactions with strangers, whatever their operating systems. Perhaps we should be especially concerned about Linux, progligate as it is.

Saint Pat said...

Don't forget the purple boxers!

Hahaha terrific bit, Richard!

Padre Mickey said...

Hmm, those BURP bishops look familiar.
Great post, Richard!